For My Mum on My Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of my heart bypass operation. It is not so much that I have a lot to say about this, or have a lot to think about my operation - its more about feeling - a huge feeling of gratitude to those who operated on me and to family and friends who supported and looked after me after the operation. My thinking about all of this has been about someone else.
 
Today I thought a lot about my mother who had two of these operations. She didn't survive the second one. She died of a massive blood clot on the operating table. If she had survived and lived on she would now be 91 years old.

I have a big regret about the lead up to my mums operation. The last time I saw her, just before her operation she looked old and pale and frail. I gave her a hug before I left and wished her well for the operation, and then I hesitated and felt somehow self conscious about telling her I loved her. I wish to God I had told her I loved her. I bloody kick myself that I didn't. What an idiot I was. So today mum, if you are listening, I love you very much indeed.

The lesson here is not new and is as old as Adam - Tell the people you love, that you love them every day, because one day they may just slip away from you.

So the 21st of June is a day of heart operation remembering for me. It will always remind me of life and death and my dear old mum.

Mum, I had this poem published in the newspaper death notices for you.

“Here the whole world (stars, water, air,
And field, and forest, as they were
Reflected in a single mind)
Like cast off clothes was left behind
In ashes, yet with hopes that she,
Re-born from holy poverty,
In lenten lands, hereafter may
Resume them on her Easter Day."

C S Lewis

And Mum, this old Irish Blessing was on the back of the printed order of service at your funeral.

“May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of his hand”

I hope you like them - Pal

And mum, I know that not many people read or comment on this Blog but I don't give a rats arse about that - this is my very own Journal, its therapeutic, its something for me - but best of all I know that you read it every day.